Because of the complexity of my program and situation (going through a foundation to work for two other NGO’s which then pimp me out further to other organizations and associations), I was not quite sure who to approach first with my idea. What was my plan of attack and who did I owe the first word to. I figured, talk it over with FSD, since technically they administer the contracts that my jobs sign and then I have a contract with them (so many contracts! I am a tied down girl!).
I first approached my program coordinator Anna, and over coffee more or less explained my idea. This was a few weeks ago, and in retrospect I was probably not so clear on my exact ideas, because I wasn’t (and am still not) quite sure how the whole mechanism works. We discussed the matter and they were taken with the idea. Apparently no one has ever asked to move to Buenos Aires before. Before I go running around and telling people and breaking contracts however, FSD wanted to talk with the Institute to see if something couldn’t be worked out. There we stood. I knew that they were going to talk and attempt to work something out, but when and where and what….was to be seen. I was relatively confident that the institute would be happy for me, especially if I offered to continue translating or doing work like that for afar. I was so confident, that I continued the paper work process to take the two seminars that I mentioned earlier.
I presented the idea to Educaser, since that was going to be the organization that I chose to stay with. Along with presenting the idea of moving to Buenos Aires, I was proactive with my Educaser idea. I looked into the links to other organizations that they have on their web site, and thought about the organizations that are most talked about in the office….and decided to offer myself up to be farmed out to some Buenos Aires educational organization that Educaser wanted to be linked with. That way a few days a week I wouldn’t have to commute to La Plata, I could make stronger links with an important educational NGO in Buenos Aires, and I learn new things and see new things. Everybody wins. And Educaser bit the idea. My boss loved it, and start immediately thinking about all the errands I could run there for Educaser, and how I could make a really strong connection with the Fundacion Leer, which works with young people to encourage them to read as well as actively fights illiteracy.
Next I very timidly approached my roommates and told them the situation. Two EXTREMELY different reactions, very much based on age. I told the younger one, Melissa, first. She got really emotional. Sad that I was going to go, saying she would miss me, and that the house wouldn’t be the same with out me. It was a very sweet conversation. Maru, the old one gave me a little bit more pause, especially since the apartment is rented directly by her, so the responsibility to find a new roommate would fall on her. She just looked at me after I told her and said calmly “Well, if you need to fly. Fly.” And there ended the conversation.
Therefore, all that was left was asking/informing the institute I was leaving. There in lie the true dilemma. Am I asking them if I can leave (in which case they can deny me) or am I gently informing them that I am breaking the contract and that I am leaving (here is some meet, swallow it). So when Marcela (my other coordinator for FSD), previously unannounced, shows up Friday morning, I am still not sure exactly what the strategy for the situation is. There has been no discussion between us, and no parameters or attack have been planned. She goes into the office, the door shuts….and i breath, hoping that this surprise (because I wasn’t informed either!) attack is everything is cracked up to be. I wish I could have been in the meeting, but I wasn’t really invited AND I had no idea which strategy was being used.
Apparently not a good one. She planted the idea that I was moving to Buenos Aires, and that I would like to continue my internship from a distance if that was possible. They were happy for me that i wanted to do this, but they would like to remind me that I have a contract with them, and that they have lots of projects planned for me in the near future. Apparently they think that I work very hard and very well. I do work hard, and I try to keep myself busy, but many times that involves simply finding things to do, like reading Human Rights journals and magazines that they have in the office. So the meeting ended there. With apparently a lot of signals crossed, and apparently my determination to move to Buenos Aires and not still have two internships was lost somewhere. Oh, and I don’t believe them that they will have work for me to do, or at least work that I couldn’t do from a distance. I would be more than willing, and even honored if they would like to keep working for them…from a distance. Coming to the office everyone once in a while.
So here I stand. Posed and ready to go, to launch…but I can’t go. I am torn between responsibility to a contract and a selfish life decision. Torn between many many more boring days to come and the possibility to try something new and more in line with what I want to do. For me the institute is very academic and again, I love the learning oppurtunities it provides, but I came on this voyage to escape the university environment and to learn about community work, and more importantly to learn about myself. All these are fulfilled by moving to Buenos Aires, and few of them are completed by staying here in La Plata with my time divided between two different internships.
I tend to have a very large responsibility and obligation complex however, and I feel again, in the that I came down here to help people and organizations and that in some way I should just shush the inner selfish voice and do whatever is asked of me. There are many sides to this situation, both emotional and logical, and they complicate the situation terribly. I won’t go into all of them, but it suffices to say I want to keep good relations with all of the parties, but my heart is telling me that certain things have to be done to move forward in my life. The problem is how to do it, how to do it fairly….and where to start in this intertwined process.
Where I stand right now, I have requested another meeting with my program coordinators to make it clearer to them exactly where I stand, so we can work through this together and find a suitable solution. I will keep you posted as further details develop.
