Introduction:
So this has been brewing for a while, somewhat under the surface, though more recently in broad day light. It has taken me a while to find the power to sit down and write about it, mostly because it was very abstract and too big before now. I think I am the point where I can create a concrete story and break it down into chewable size pieces now.
Way background, a.k.a. undercurrents:
I have been unhappy at the Institute for Human Rights for a while now. Not unhappy in a massive, go into work and can’t handle it kind of way, but more that I feel like I don’t get anything out of it, I don’t pt anything into it, and I don’t do anything when I am there. I am at the institute about 20 hours a week, more or less depending on evens or other conflicts in schedule. For the first few months I worked solely on a data base, and when I expressed the repressing boredom of filling in a database 20 hours a week, they gave me some translations for the web page. As an intern, they have made it clear that my place is not within the daily routine of the institute, but on separate projects. And even back then I was starting to get antsy. I was pretty socially isolated, no one really talked to me much, and just went there and suffered through the hours.
While I was not learning much in the daily environment, the educational oppurtunities that the institute offers are incredible. The mini-course on the inter-american human rights court system that I took was fantastic, and all the various talks and panel discussions that I have been able to attend because of this connection in extremely enriching. I am currently considering, and indeed begun the paper work, to take two seminars offered by the institute for credit. Including Education and Human Rights and Public Politics and Human Rights.
Aforementioned project a.k.a. the last straw:
Recently, in late May, two new interns arrived. One from Spain (Antonio) and one from Columbia (Ana Maria), to add to the one who had already been there trudging through the days with me (Miren)…click the links to see some lovely pictures of them. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, we realized that we were all in the same situation, and were all frustrated with it. 3 heads are better than 1, and we decided to put ours together and attempt to come up with a proposal for a project for the institute. Since the very beginning of all of our internships, they had been asking us to constructively criticize the institute and see if we didn’t have any suggestions to make it into a more internationally renowned institution. So we created a proposal which involved interviewing all the members of the administrative and teaching staff, so first we could understand the functions of everyone, and second so we could help them reorganize and reorient their web site with a more international aim. For instance, many of their personal pages have little to no information about the person, no CV or link to their manuscripts or photographs. Their web page is lacking photographs in general and the institute does not have a press kit, nor does it look for publicity. Knowing that they are looking for a more international reputation and for more financial assistance, these things seemed really important to us. The proposal did not fly however. I think we criticized too hard, and the idea of interviewing all the professors and staff to find out there function, made the coordinator in charge look like he didn’t have a grip on the situation. So out the window.
So they changed our project to one they found much more urgent, looking through an already created data base, for organizations that could continue to finance the activities and projects of the institute. So we did this in a week, the three of us. For a while now we have been awaiting the next step in the process….
The life project a.k.a. those feelings that come from the gut:
Life changes swiftly and sharply sometimes, and events happen that make you rethink options or that open doors you didn’t even previously notice. One of the doors that recently opened to me, that I had in no way previously considered was that lumbering city only about an hour away from me. On various occasions, usually in moments of doubt and panic (which I will admit there have been a few of), I have considered just dropping it all and moving to Buenos Aires. I have quickly dismissed the idea however, knowing that I came to Argentina to work in sustainable development and in an NGO and I want to finish this project. But the idea kept resurfacing. Kept surging up from my gut. Those are the hardest ones to ignore. The city keeps calling me every time I visit. There is so much to see there, so much to learn, so many oppurtunities. And La Plata, as much as I adore it, is getting too small. My heart kept telling me that if I didn’t go I would leave with regrets for not having gone. That I would have left Argentina at the end of my program and not opted to stay because I hadn’t really liked La Plata. That I hadn’t really given Argentina a chance until I had lived in the capital. I know that sounds weird, but I hope you all can understand. No one wants to leave with regrets. There is so much to learn waiting for me there.
So as they say in Spanish, me puse los pilas y empeze a pensar (I put in the batteries and began to think). Why couldn’t I move to Buenos Aires with my program? It is only an hour away…but I would have to make compromises and sacrifices with my NGOs. No way I could work both jobs, 45 hours a week, and commute more than an hour each way. Something had to give. I have to give one up, and with little thought I know which one it is. Having read the above commentary I can imagine that my audience also knows which one I am considering choosing.
Choosing a.k.a. electing who I am going to piss off:
So I have given a lot of thought to which internship teaches me more and brings me more fulfillment and enjoyment. My internship with Educaser, for all its faults, is very involving. They have brought me into the fold from the beginning. Whether it be sending me to get photocopies, to call shops and find out bicycle prices, to run to the municipality building, or dragging me along on all the meetings in the office or in the barrios…I am infinitely thrown in and involved. I see how things work, and where ever I can, I lend a hand. The institute, as I mentioned earlier does not allow me to touch the daily stuff, and certainly does not involve me in the on-goings or the affairs of the institute. With Educaser I also have my day in the barrio with the children (which I ADORE!) and my project that I am developing for that (that is for a later blog!). Not to say that Educaser is not ever boring, or that I don’t have to search for things to do, but they are much more readily available and include me much more profoundly. Another big problem that i have with both, is because i have two, I am constantly missing out on oppurtunities in one, because i have to be in the other and I am never truly truly involved.
Conclusion:
With that being said, and a lot of weighing and thinking, I finally made my decision….now it is time to talk to people. It was not an easy decision to make, because i knew that I would be hurting a lot of people, the least of them my roommates, who I adore. I labored over the various options and weighed them all against my heart. It has been hard, there is a lot of guilt, feelings of obligation, being fair to those around me, and self doubt that have accompanied this thought process. Being a volunteer you are torn between feeling like you are working for free and so should get to decide what you want to do and between realizing that you are volunteering your time to help people and they will tell you just how they need help. But sometimes you simply have to follow your gut and do what you know is good for you, your interests and your life project. How can you truly help others if you can’t help yourself?
Fine so not the conclusion yet. To be continued….
