The mental struggle between loneliness, culture, purpose and monetary conciderations continues to intensify. (Note: contents may contain brutal honesty…if you have medical conditions that result from intimacy, read on at your own risk.)
I am here in Argentina to learn as much as I possibly can about the culture, the country, the language, non-profits, and sustainable development as I can. I wish that we all had money just to take a year off and hang out and travel and goof off…but it is not that way. So I am here to get experiences that I cannot get anywhere else. And that is A LOT of pressure on one year of a life. Especially in the beginning, with the culture shock and as the isolation of living in a new and different place sets in.
I crave company. More than just company however, company I am comfortable with, not constantly having to put myself out there, and talk to people I don´t know, but company you can be silent with or company where the most thought you have to put into it is who´s house you want to go to. I can feel the jealously maliciously seething through me when I talk on the phone with people from home, and they tell me where they are going and with whom. I miss everyone very intensely. I love meeting new people, but it gets exhausting to be constantly putting yourself out there, to create a new life. These feelings are normal. And happen WHENEVER you move.
But throw into this loneliness and exhaustion, a lack of defined purpose. Not having a job and all….not being able to learn as much daily as I would like, not getting to speak spanish and again having to search out things to be doing constantly. I know it sounds like fun to some people (Joi, your comments are always amazing and heart warming and make my day!), but for me it is really draining. I only have a year. Yes I understand that a few weeks out of a year is only a drop in the bucket, but to keep telling yourself that and keep your spirits high day in and day out, gets a little rough. I long to have purpose and continue on with my learning experience. The days when I do manage to get to spend the whole day in spanish and learning a lot, I feel like I deserve the rest I get at the end! But maybe this patience that I am being forced to have IS the learning experience. Though that rings a little to religious for me….!
The other issue to throw on top of the loneliness, and my lack of purpose is the monetary situation. I could relatively simply solve my blatent problem of loneliness. I could just go out more with some of the Americans that are in my group. That would be a simple solution. But also an expensive one. Do you go out with people who you don´t really get along with terribly well, and spend money out a bar with screaming americans…or do you save the money, be lonely and wait until you make the better friends, the ones who´s presence you crave (like all you wonderful people out there reading this…)?
I have made the choice to save the money for traveling and for when I have friends, and not to throw it at the loneliness problem now. I don´t feel like I really will gain much beyond mediocer but instant emotional satisfaction by going out and spending money at bars with Americans. And I certainly won´t learn any spanish, anything about the culture, or non-profits for that matter (ha ha ha!).
All these different factors complicate things terribly, and have me treading a thin emotional line right now. Culture shock is it´s own beast, but to throw these other things on top makes it more of an adventure to navigate.
So I wanted to take the time first and formost to thank Bryan (I know he is hating this) and my mom for their patience and support. This has been hard, as I knew that it would, and they take the brunt of this! And I wanted to thank you all for being such good friends, and I am honored to miss you all so much, and to have you guys to hold up as a ruler for friendships here…that I won´t settle for anything less!! So it actually all your faults for being so amazing that I am so lonely 
To end things on a positive note…I am finding my niche, and I know that I am making the right decision holding out for friends. Last night I went to a 60´s and 70´s dress party (story and photos to come) and tonight I am going for the second time to learn tango. I really enjoy the company of the people there and see possible friendships emerging. So here goes!
